From the author: “This is what enforcing a boundary looks like—the cheater decides to commit to the marriage then and there—or you put their crap in Hefty bags and throw it on the lawn for the raccoons. Well, that may be true to a point, but there are times to hit the therapist's couch before jumping into another person's arms. Not judging is great when it comes to superficialities like, “I’m not going to judge your green, bouffant hair,” or civil rights like, “I’m not going to judge your sexual orientation,” but it falls apart when you apply it to moral dilemmas. I know the pain of betrayal (and wanting to protect a marriage/family) are powerful and they do lead some to assume responsibility for "saving the marriage," but I caution you not to do that.

I, too, am bothered by the “relationship experts” who hold out an expectation that a betrayed spouse can somehow get their marriage back on track without the full-hearted effort of the cheater.You didn’t break your vows and you’re perfectly within your rights to walk, even if your cheater desperately wants another chance.

And when these methods don’t work, the wounded partner is left to shamefully conclude, “I couldn’t get that right, either,” accepting inappropriate blame. This book is a MUST if you have just discovered your partner is living a double life or you are with a manipulative person.These days, self-help books are a dime a dozen and so often seem to be filled with myopic, impractical “advice” rife with wishful thinking on the part of their authors, it’s become both shocking and refreshing to run into a self-help book that actually helps. Plus I laughed through most of this book, and by that I mean _with_ the author about my cheating clown of a husband, not _at_ the author as was the case with books by Laura Doyle, Hendrix and Hunt, and Gottman. The real life questions and her responses at the end of the chapters were very interesting and I'd say that I'm much more knowledgeable about the language and thoughts around processing infidelity.

They, in fact, need to assume the greater responsibility for healing, since they caused the deep injury. Every cheater is 100% responsible for their choice and its consequences, but understanding an affair means giving attention to the unique vulnerabilities at play.Sure, it’s a conclusion so devastating it might leave you with trust issues and a permanent twitch, but liberating all the same. I recommend this for anyone who has been cheated on, it won't 'fix' you or take your pain away but it might just help you on your journey to 'meh'. In short, their anger seems to erupt from a belief that (1) there really is little or no hope for a satisfying marriage after an affair, (2) that I and other counselors sell false hope for our own profit, and (3) that my message of affair healing assumes that the marriage will be saved.